Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts

Pondering over Things

Hi again! I’ve come with yet another thing that’s been bothering me a lot. A lot of things, actually. A few days ago, we had this Life Skills workshop, where we discussed emotions. It wasn’t that comfortable for me, an emotion-hider, but I learnt a lot of things. When the teacher asked us whether we repressed our emotions, a lot of the girls hands went up. One or two boys. Out of maybe 120 people. Why is it like this? Well, maybe due to the fact that girls are told to keep quiet and out of sight from the very beginning, and boys are allowed to become as boisterous and rebellious as they come, because boys will be boys. This really disturbed me. And then there’s the fact that my parents find it funny that I begin to cry over the smallest of things. They keep telling me lies about how they told my teachers about stuff I wouldn’t want them to know about, and since I work very hard to maintain my reputation in school, I was deeply hurt. I started arguing with my dad, and when I get angry, I start crying. It’s natural, inevitable. My temperature rises, and the dam bursts. I can’t do anything about it, until recently, when I’ve started behaving quite coldly towards my parents when they try to get a rise out of me. My mom says she’s just like me in my anger, but whenever I begin to cry, she tells me to stop being a crybaby. My dad calls me vulnerable. It hurts me a lot for some reason. God knows.

And then the second thing, I have this best friend, Dolphin Girl. I love her to bits, and she’s my parabatai (TMI fans, you know this). There’s truly nothing on this earth that I wouldn’t do for this girl. I’d gone for a sleepover to her house yesterday, and came back today, for a competition that’s we’re preparing for. Her brother is the same age as my brother, and he’s quite violent. I can’t say anything in front of him, in fear of being hit. Just today, I was talking about how I’d rather die than do so much of homework, and he punched me on my face, saying that he could help. My cheekbone is tender. Then when we came home from school, to her house, we were lying on the bed, simply talking. He comes from nowhere, and starts hitting me randomly. I’m used to this now, having a younger brother who was a little violent when he was young, but he kept on damaging my glasses, which could get me into major trouble with my parents. I don’t say anything to her, because I think she’d feel bad. But for this reason, I don’t want to go to her house anymore. 

Then there’s one more thing. Today my dad asked me why I wasn’t picking up my phone in Dolphin Girl’s house. My phone battery was dead. And I didn’t even realise it. -1 in my parents’ books. Nobody in the entire house picked up their phone, because the phones were downstairs, and we were all chilling upstairs. -2 in their books. When my dad started loudly honking in front of the house, I had mentally prepped myself for damage control. He kept on firing questions on why no one in the entire house picked up their phone. I told him why. Then he asked me why I couldn’t charge my phone. And so easily, without even thinking, I lied. I lied and told him that there wasn’t a charger that could fit my ridiculously outdated phone. He didn’t say anything, so I think he believed it. I read somewhere once that strict parents raise the best liars. And now, I know for a fact that that is true. I’ve begun to lie so exceptionally well, I don’t even need to think. It just comes naturally. I’m changing, and I don’t know whether that’s bad or good.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~