Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Reluctant Reunion

Hi everyone! So yesterday, I had decided that if DolphinGirl didn’t talk to me this morning, then I would understand it as a signal that it is over and I would not bother her after that. She didn’t. She completely ignored me. As a result, I decided that enough was enough and I would not spend the rest of my day grovelling for her forgiveness when she could not understand the simple fact that it was her fault as well. So I put on my best happy face, and boy, did it work. I was laughing and smiling and talking all day, and she was so hurt when she noticed I wasn’t begging for her to come back. I know I’m sounding really rude and mean, but I felt like that.

 Then in the afternoon, I apologised again, when we were in the hospital, waiting to go back to school (the fieldtrip) because I felt that it was too stupid to not give her a second chance. To my surprise, she accepted. We both maintain this sort of journal where we write our innermost thoughts, and through that she told me that she knew it was her fault too, and so she forgave me. I can’t help but think I will never look at her in the same way again. I will probably never look at someone the same way again. She has damaged my feelings irrevocably, and now whatever I do, I can’t bring that old me back. I no longer feel close to anyone, not even her. This is a violation of our parabatai bond, but yeah. She’s still the person I trust the most in the world though. I will always trust her with my life. But I won’t get close to anyone ever again, not like that, where their disappearance can kill me. 

Also, the fieldtrip was fun. We had so much stuff to learn, and we saw a kidney dialysis happening, and other things. It was good. And my mom made the best veggie rolls ever. So today was a changed day, if not a normal one. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts

Questions to the World

Hi everyone! I’m back, again. Right now I’m listening to a playlist sent to me by my friend. Let’s keep her name as Summer. She reminds me of summers, so I think that name suits her. So let’s get to business. Yeah, so my classroom got changed a few days back. And the new one is so small, and there’s a stink coming from outside, and the blackboard sucks. But it’s ok, cause my friends are there with me.

Also, we had a debate a few days ago, about whether we should spend money on space exploration or improving the condition of people on earth. I voted for space exploration. But when I was asked to state my reasons for choosing so, I got up, and my heart started beating so fast, and my hands were shaking like leaves. I felt like I would faint. I either had an unwarned panic attack, or I still have social anxiety. It makes me sad, I tried so hard all these years to lose it, to stand up in a crowd with confidence and show everyone what I am. I won Best Delegate in a MUN last year, so I thought that maybe my public speaking skills are improving, and maybe, just maybe, I might not get so anxious anymore. But it all went spiralling down. 

And then there’s this girl in my class. I won’t give her a name, because she’s not that close to me. She’s sort of pretty, but as my best friend Summer once said, people are only truly beautiful when they can be dark-skinned and still be beautiful. Not racist or anything, but most people in India regard fair-skinned people as beautiful, no matter whether they actually are. Whenever she tries to tell someone to do something, especially the boys, they laugh in her face, and go. I’ve heard many of the boys talking about her behind her back, merely as a pretty face, nothing else. It’s like she has no presence, no meaning, except that she’s pretty. Is that how boys think girls are? In that case, I’m actually grateful I’m popular for my awards, creativity and grades rather than my face. 

Also, sometimes I think people become friends with me just because I’m popular. Like they ask me to do stuff for them, give them my notes, my tips, so that they can become better. And people in my class regard me as a benchmark of success. For example, if someone beats me, they make a big deal out of it, and scream that they’ve beaten me in one thing. I mean, I know that I always get Academic Excellence in my school (sort of like valedictorian), but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being a person and suddenly become a benchmark. It’s irritating. I am not my grades, not my art, not even my pretty face. I am something much more substantial that that, a girl who can end you if you get on her nerves, whose sassiness is always on the max level, and whose brain works overtime. That’s why I like talking to you guys, even if no one reads my posts. You don’t know me for all those things, you know me as who I am. As the InvisibleGirl.

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~