The Ocean of Thoughts

Silent Tears

Life had been treating me nicely till now. I’d been getting amazing marks in my tests, and everything was going smoothly. So obviously, I had to do something to ruin it. Today, in math class, my teacher was saying something about going ahead. To which my best friend, DolphinGirl, just said bye. I laughed out loud, and I told everyone what she had said. At that time, I had thought it was just a funny joke. But later the math teacher came and scolded her in front of me. She talked about how she never expected this stuff from her, and she had thought that DolphinGirl respected elders, among other stuff. She really loves this teacher, cause she teaches math. And I destroyed all of that in an instant. She stopped talking to me, and even going near me, and honestly? I don’t blame her. I haven’t talked to her the entire day, because she wanted space, and I really don’t know what to do. It’s horrible. I was in tears almost the entire day, and now I’m keeping my cool because I slept in the bus and as a result I’m not feeling that emotional anymore. I was laughing and smiling in class. When I don’t want to cry or get angry, I bury it deep inside. As a result I don’t feel that emotion anymore, and nor do I even think about the incident. That’s what I did today. I think she took offence.

Well, anyway, we have a fieldtrip tomorrow. We’re going to a hospital to see the process of kidney dialysis. I can’t wait! I’ll try to fit in all my details tomorrow. It’s going to be fun, I think. If DolphinGirl leaves me alone, I think I’ll be able to move on. She is or was my best friend of two years, and we both are as thick as thieves. I’ve never been so close to anyone before, because I have a fear of people leaving me. That fear is coming true, again. I probably won’t trouble anyone anymore. It’s not worth making friends only for them to leave you, whether it’s your fault or theirs. 

A few weeks ago, my dad called me vulnerable for crying so much. I hope he will be proud to know that today was the first day I cried after a month. 
Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts

Pondering over Things

Hi again! I’ve come with yet another thing that’s been bothering me a lot. A lot of things, actually. A few days ago, we had this Life Skills workshop, where we discussed emotions. It wasn’t that comfortable for me, an emotion-hider, but I learnt a lot of things. When the teacher asked us whether we repressed our emotions, a lot of the girls hands went up. One or two boys. Out of maybe 120 people. Why is it like this? Well, maybe due to the fact that girls are told to keep quiet and out of sight from the very beginning, and boys are allowed to become as boisterous and rebellious as they come, because boys will be boys. This really disturbed me. And then there’s the fact that my parents find it funny that I begin to cry over the smallest of things. They keep telling me lies about how they told my teachers about stuff I wouldn’t want them to know about, and since I work very hard to maintain my reputation in school, I was deeply hurt. I started arguing with my dad, and when I get angry, I start crying. It’s natural, inevitable. My temperature rises, and the dam bursts. I can’t do anything about it, until recently, when I’ve started behaving quite coldly towards my parents when they try to get a rise out of me. My mom says she’s just like me in my anger, but whenever I begin to cry, she tells me to stop being a crybaby. My dad calls me vulnerable. It hurts me a lot for some reason. God knows.

And then the second thing, I have this best friend, Dolphin Girl. I love her to bits, and she’s my parabatai (TMI fans, you know this). There’s truly nothing on this earth that I wouldn’t do for this girl. I’d gone for a sleepover to her house yesterday, and came back today, for a competition that’s we’re preparing for. Her brother is the same age as my brother, and he’s quite violent. I can’t say anything in front of him, in fear of being hit. Just today, I was talking about how I’d rather die than do so much of homework, and he punched me on my face, saying that he could help. My cheekbone is tender. Then when we came home from school, to her house, we were lying on the bed, simply talking. He comes from nowhere, and starts hitting me randomly. I’m used to this now, having a younger brother who was a little violent when he was young, but he kept on damaging my glasses, which could get me into major trouble with my parents. I don’t say anything to her, because I think she’d feel bad. But for this reason, I don’t want to go to her house anymore. 

Then there’s one more thing. Today my dad asked me why I wasn’t picking up my phone in Dolphin Girl’s house. My phone battery was dead. And I didn’t even realise it. -1 in my parents’ books. Nobody in the entire house picked up their phone, because the phones were downstairs, and we were all chilling upstairs. -2 in their books. When my dad started loudly honking in front of the house, I had mentally prepped myself for damage control. He kept on firing questions on why no one in the entire house picked up their phone. I told him why. Then he asked me why I couldn’t charge my phone. And so easily, without even thinking, I lied. I lied and told him that there wasn’t a charger that could fit my ridiculously outdated phone. He didn’t say anything, so I think he believed it. I read somewhere once that strict parents raise the best liars. And now, I know for a fact that that is true. I’ve begun to lie so exceptionally well, I don’t even need to think. It just comes naturally. I’m changing, and I don’t know whether that’s bad or good.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things

Catching-up, and other Candy Sweet Things

Why is it so hard to think of a title? It’s so hard for me, even though I’ve written an entire novel and write poems everyday. Well, anyways, I wanted to talk about TMI. Or the Shadow World, if you know what I mean. *wink* The newest book, Lord of Shadows, just came out today, and I got it. After a lot of persuasion. It’s so beautiful! I also have a lot of work because I missed 9 days of school, and the book is definitely not helping. I didn’t even come out of my room yesterday, I was continuously writing, and it was just depressing. I was feeling so empty. Well, my father finally got fed up and told me that he’s going to be writing a note for my teachers so that I don’t have to work myself to the bone. It’s difficult for me to not forget about basic concerns like sleeping and eating when there’s work incomplete. The perils of being a perfectionist. Also, my teacher finally gave me a compliment for my writing today! She’s a new teacher, my english teacher, and it makes me super happy that someone appreciates my writing.

And my neighbour is having a baby (oh my god) and she came to our house today. Our other neighbour played a song and the baby was kicking so much, it’s now the ‘Dancing Baby’. I wasn’t old enough to remember my brother being born, but I remember I hated him because I thought he was hurting my mother. 

And also, there’s this new girl in the class. I’ve told you about her. She’s pretty nice. But I keep trying to act like I’m not me, because I can’t talk about things in front of her, things personal to me. I was reluctant to share before, and now it’s killing me, because I’m not sharing stuff with anyone. Except for one person. My bestest online friend in the world, Hope. The reason I’ve named her Hope is because she’s my cause of hope in the world. Whenever I’m feeling down, she helps me right back up, no complaints. She even recognises whether I’m happy or sad based on what I’m typing, and that is seriously goals. I wish you could just meet her, this ball of sunshine, and I love her with all my heart. She’s the only one I’ve told about this blog. 

I hope you all have atleast one friend like her. Do you have any best friends who are a gift to your world? Tell me below in the comments!