The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Update

Hi guys, it’s me. I don’t even know why I say this anymore, who else is gonna write here? It’s still a little funny, though. Well, today, I wanted to talk about some stuff that’s been bothering me. It’s bothering everyone actually. 

I’m telling you guys this, because I’m not sure of it myself, and also, I don’t want anyone else getting to know about it either. I’ve caused a lot of problems at home and in my circle, so I don’t really want to come with yet another one. I think that I have anorexia. Yeah. I’ve been obsessing about weight. Too much. I’ve gotten thinner in the past few months, and everyone keeps complimenting me, which is why I think I didn’t realise before.

Yesterday, one of my mom’s friends was making me try on some of her dresses, and she’s really skinny. They weren’t fitting me properly, and she said, “She looks like she’s thin, but you really aren’t, are you?” I don’t know whether she meant it in a rude way or whatever, but when I went home I just looked at myself in the mirror and cried. Later, that evening, my mother had made my favourite snacks especially for me, and I refused them, because they’re really oily and fatty. She became really sad, and that hurt me so much, I finally ate them, but way less than I’d usually eat. Then I went in my room and cried again. Today, I found myself searching fo quick ways to lose weight, and I was so surprised. That’s when I started thinking that maybe I do have anorexia nervosa. It sounds like a fairy name, doesn’t it? Nervosa. So elegant and graceful. Anything but. I already have mental problems, and now I can check this off the list too, right? I have three friends in my social circle, and one of them is really thin. Naturally. The other two are healthier than an me, and they have no problem with it. I wish that for once, I could be happy with my body. I’ve never actually been happy with it at all, but now, with so much of pressure to look thin and pretty, it’s getting to me. I’m afraid that I’ll lose control, and then I’ll be an even bigger disappointment to people around me. 

Wow. I never do talk lightly with you guys, do I? Well, my exams were going on, and we had a lot to study, so I couldn’t post before. I also have a lot of homework to do, so I might not be available over the next few days. Have a good day everyone! 

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

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Really Resourceful Reviews, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Intro to Anime

Hello all! Today, I wanted to talk to you about this new anime I just finished watching, The Death Note. I’m sure most of you have already watched it. I didn’t want to get addicted to anime, so I didn’t watch it earlier. But one of my friends was watching it when I went to his house, and thus began the story of my drug addiction. I finished the entire series in 3 days (cause Indian homework is not your friend, nuh uh). And I loved it!

It’s basically about this boy named Light, who finds this weird notebook which claims to have the power to kill people merely by writing their name on its pages. He’s hesitant at first, but drawn to the power of the book, he decides to write down the name of a criminal who’s image was appearing on the television. To his shock, the man dies. That’s where things get twisted. He begins calling himself the God of the new world, who’d save everyone and rid the world of evil. He’s insane. A true psychopath. But a genius, through and through. His plans are astonishingly thorough, and many times I found myself gaping in shock and wonder when he revealed them. Then come the police, aided by a mysterious figure named L. L, is a genius, just like Light. I won’t reveal the rest of the series to you, because it’s better if you watch it yourself.

Honestly, I loved this anime. Light, however insane, was a genius. I marvel his intelligence. Other times, I found myself repulsed by the fantasy he’d created for himself. I see myself in him. Not because I’m a genius, but because when I believe something is right, nothing can stop me. L is my favourite character, though. He’s adorable, and his habits are quite endearing. I felt really sad at a particular point (again, watch the anime to know what I’m talking about). But the way everything progresses is amazing. You’ll start by loving Light (maybe? That’s what I did), but soon you’ll hate him, or maybe try to justify his actions. It’s perplexing trying to sort out your emotions, and honestly, not get addicted to this. The creators seriously need to be given more credit, because all the genius of L, Light and N stems from them. So hats off to you, and may you make even more anime for us to watch!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Uncrazy things

Queries

Hi again! I’d apologise for the haitus, but I can’t. My exams had been going on, so I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I just wanted to ask, do you people mind if I post book reviews here? It’s just that I read a lot of books (according to my dad, atleast 400 every year, which is true) and there are a few which are notable and commendable. And a few of my poems too. I haven’t been taking many photos lately, because my dad doesn’t allow me to use his camera anymore. So now I’m back to good ol’ writing and art again. Just comment below or like this post if you want me to post book reviews, or reviews of anything that interests me, and which I feel will be relevant to other people. Thanks so much for showing your support! It truly means a lot to me.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Reluctant Reunion

Hi everyone! So yesterday, I had decided that if DolphinGirl didn’t talk to me this morning, then I would understand it as a signal that it is over and I would not bother her after that. She didn’t. She completely ignored me. As a result, I decided that enough was enough and I would not spend the rest of my day grovelling for her forgiveness when she could not understand the simple fact that it was her fault as well. So I put on my best happy face, and boy, did it work. I was laughing and smiling and talking all day, and she was so hurt when she noticed I wasn’t begging for her to come back. I know I’m sounding really rude and mean, but I felt like that.

 Then in the afternoon, I apologised again, when we were in the hospital, waiting to go back to school (the fieldtrip) because I felt that it was too stupid to not give her a second chance. To my surprise, she accepted. We both maintain this sort of journal where we write our innermost thoughts, and through that she told me that she knew it was her fault too, and so she forgave me. I can’t help but think I will never look at her in the same way again. I will probably never look at someone the same way again. She has damaged my feelings irrevocably, and now whatever I do, I can’t bring that old me back. I no longer feel close to anyone, not even her. This is a violation of our parabatai bond, but yeah. She’s still the person I trust the most in the world though. I will always trust her with my life. But I won’t get close to anyone ever again, not like that, where their disappearance can kill me. 

Also, the fieldtrip was fun. We had so much stuff to learn, and we saw a kidney dialysis happening, and other things. It was good. And my mom made the best veggie rolls ever. So today was a changed day, if not a normal one. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Just an Update, and a Poem

Hi everyone. I really don’t want to say this to anyone, but my feelings are going to crush me if they stay inside. So here it is. I had a huge fight with my parents on Friday. And it was all because we had school on Saturday and my father wasn’t ready to drop me there. It went to really, really bad places, and somehow all my insecurities and frustrations just came out at once, and it hurt really bad. My parents keep nagging me to get better grades, even though I get the best grades in my class. My father keeps demoralising me all the time, because he thinks it’ll help me improve myself. But that’s not true. I’m not that type of person. I wrote this poem the night after the fight, and it’s very emotional to me, because it makes me cry everytime I read it. All my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, everything is in it. So here I put it before you, for your reading pleasure. And with the hope that no child suffers this again.

The Deep Abyss
‘This year, if you get less than 95%…”

I am no longer a human being

I am a mere machine which churns out marks.


‘When you get angry, stop. Be calm.’

All my frustration, comes out

Like lava, but it burns only me.


‘Your art, your dance, your music, it’s affecting your studies.’

I got a 91% last year, dear mother, even though I wasn’t mentally fine

But you never seemed to care, did you?


‘From now on, stop participating in all this sports, art, etc.’

In other words, have no fun

Stay in your house, in your room, like a good girl, and study.


‘Are they teaching anything tomorrow? No? Then stay home.’

You criticise my school for being too focused on marks

When you’re awfully concentrating on them too.


‘Why can’t you go to school by yourself? Everyone else does.’

Their parents taught them that

But you can’t be bothered by that either.


‘Talk to your teacher, if the school bus doesn’t come, then you will not go.’

Even if I may be the star student

In the end, I’m just a student, I have no special privileges.


‘We let you read books, draw everyday, and still you complain and be angry?’

Oh thanks, I never knew

That my drawing and reading books was a boon given by you.


‘I do so much for you, I left my whole life for you, and this is how you repay me?’

Well, I didn’t ask to be born to you

So, I’m not in a debt, am I?


‘Cross your legs, sit properly. Do not let your mind wander off when there are guests.’

Sit like a proper lady, do not let them know

That there is something wrong in this house of cards.


‘Come. Learn a chapter in front of me, and if I don’t fail you in that chapter, then I am not your father.’

Well, that is the way I have been taught to learn

So I’m so sorry that you didn’t wake up from your slumber before.


‘In my school, they taught the how and why, not the what.’

Then you shouldn’t have put me in this school

You should have put me in your precious school instead.


‘Did you get the Academic Excellence Award?’ 

No his, no hellos, just a question

Because my worth is just a mere piece of card, nothing else.


‘When you become a doctor, you can save lives. You don’t understand anything.’

I can join an NGO for that as well

But becoming a doctor will end me.


‘A graphic designer? That industry will be ended by robots.’

Robots do not possess that creativity, that spark of imagination

Which you are slowly killing in me.


‘You will have to study very hard this year if you want to get in a good college, else your life will end.’

For once, dearest mother, you are right

Because I will probably kill myself from regret, which you have planted in me.


‘She got more than you? How? Both of you study in the same class.’

Not concentrating on the fact that I got 85, no, she got a mark more

Both of us may study in the same class, but we do not face the same struggles.


‘I bought you art supplies, now you have to get good grades.’

My passion is nothing without my grades

In a different context, my mental stability is worth nothing.


‘Why cry over such a small thing? It’s just a notebook.’

Yes, it maybe just be a notebook

But being a perfectionist is killing me, even a small mistake means days of torture.


‘Why did you go and blabber that to everyone? We’ll be shamed in society.’

You were the ones who told me society didn’t matter

But here you are, shutting my mouth for some respect which you never deserved anyway.


‘Thank you for telling me. Now, have you told anyone? No? Good. Don’t either.’

I reveal to you my biggest secret

And this is how you react? Shameful.


You may think my life is easy

Because I get good grades

I draw and paint well

I do almost everything well

I’m not ugly either.


But the price of all this? 

It’s unimaginable.

Hiding a secret for an entire year, 

Only for your mother to tell you to not tell anyone

When you finally get the courage to tell her.

Your parents always nagging you about grades and school

As if your life is worth a mere degree.

Expecting good grades

When your mind is in circles, and it doesn’t stop.

Hiding facts like feeling constantly dizzy and in pain

Because of the pressure on your brain, and the ever aching hand

Spent from writing endlessly for school.


You never think about that, do you?

You’re only after the next honour I can get you

The next laurel I can attach to your name.

Never asking

Is she even alive inside after this?

I may get a degree, dearest parents

And a good job too

Maybe a good husband 

If I am lucky enough when you marry me away against my will

As you keep saying time and time again

But will I have my mental sanity?

No, that has never mattered to you.

And neither will it ever will.


I first used to think

You will feel heartbroken 

If I took the final step

But now I think

You will still be heartbroken

But not because you lost a daughter

But because you lost your trophy. 


How many times do you all look at my face

And think,

‘Ah, that girl? She has everything. I wish I could be her.’

Well, you are welcome to my life, if you want this hell

For I won’t be here much longer anyway.

-InvisibleGirl

I just read this entire poem again, and I feel depressed. Great. I was furious with my parents yesterday, because of one more thing. My mother told me that my father was feeling guilty. I said he deserved it. And my mother said that my father would rather hit me instead of arguing with me, so at he doesn’t feel guilty. Like I’m an animal. I’m a 14 year old girl, and I understand things my parents never would. But he isn’t ready to help me understand, or to debate with me, rather hitting me, all so that he doesn’t feel guilty. But I have made my peace, because I have only one more year to live in this place, since my father is considering shifting me to another state for schooling. I welcome his decision, so that I can stay away from the pressure. But no matter what, they are my parents, and I can’t hate them. Ever. 

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~

Uncrazy things

Guilt 

Hello everyone, it’s me again. I wasn’t able to post anything yesterday, because we were on a flight. I just came back from my native yesterday. Everyone thought I’d be happy to see my mom again, but I actually wasn’t. My mom, to say the truth, is a manipulator. She twists everything in such a way that I feel immense guilt over the smallest of mistakes. Today she was talking about how no one cares for her. My brother was the only one to wish her on Mothers’ day. The reason I forgot to wish her was because I thought it was on Friday, and when I asked my dad he said it wasn’t even in May. So I didn’t wish her. 

She just kept on saying how she realised her value in the house, and other things that really made me feel bad. I was planning to go to school today, so my friend offered to make lunch for me, since our house was still dusty and stuff. I was talking to her in the taxi yesterday, and my mom was continuously telling me to refuse her offer of lunch. It makes me feel really guilty that I think my mom is like this, that there’s something wrong with her. 

We’ve had a lot of huge ups-and-downs these few years, and I mean my mother-getting-up-and-disappearing and endless screaming and fighting and throwing things type of ups-and-downs. It was a really hard time for me, because I had to take care of my brother as well. My father was the reason my mom left for three months, so I didn’t even take help from him. I also had my exams going on, and with me being a perfectionist and having a lot of pressure to do well, it was one of the worst times of my life. And there are so many people who don’t have mothers, and I have a mother yet I don’t appreciate her, so it makes me feel really bad. I researched a bit online, and it turns out people like her are called emotional manipulators. And the thing is that she’s really good sometimes. She makes my favourite lunch, asks my father for things I won’t, stays up with me when I’m studying, and helps me a lot. She’s a really good mom, so why do I feel like something is wrong with her?

Okay, enough with the despressing stuff. This still is a little weird though. We were involved in a mini-accident yesterday. A motorcycle rammed into our taxi yesterday, and luckily no one got injured, but it was still something that was a little scary. And then there’s a new girl in my class who I haven’t met yet, but her mother doesn’t allow her to do stuff normal teens do and makes her study all the time, and when I told my mom about her, she just said that I had some competition. Not that I could get a new friend. She saw her as competition for my top spot in my class. She’s left the career choice to me, but my dad wants me to become a doctor. And he’s been pretty outspoken about it too. My friends have been really helpful in helping me cope with all this, but it’s still hard to open up to people who can judge you everyday. And the person I could talk about all this to has a lot of problems in her own life. So I don’t open up much. 

Well, thanks for listening to my rant. Do you have any problems like this in your life? If you do, you can come to me. I can’t assure that I can help, but I’ll try my best.  

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~  

The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Boys>Girls?

Hi everyone! InvisibleGirl here. I’m actually in my birth town, living with my grandparents. And I’d like to share some things that have happened in the past few days (and also, this was all in another language, so I did some basic translation):

Grandmother and me: 

Grandma: Come here! I’ve been calling you since 1, and it’s 2 pm and you still haven’t come for lunch!

Me: Ok, let me call my bro.

Grandma: He’ll come later, eat fast, the food will get cold!
Grandmother and my brother (5 min later):

Grandma: Come on and eat.

Bro: After 5 min. I’m not in the mood.

Grandma: Ok son, as you wish.

(She then proceeded to put the food back in the kitchen. Why couldn’t you have done that for me too?)

~~~

Grandmother and me: 

Grandma: I want you to learn how to cook food. Come here and I’ll teach you.

Me: Ok! (I want to learn, so I don’t have a problem.)

Father: Eh, what are you doing, she doesn’t know how to cook. Her mother doesn’t want her to learn. (My dad is pretty sweet in these matters however my mom never taught me how to cook so he’s stating facts here)

Grandma: Girls need to learn how to cook, what will she do when she gets married?
Grandmother and my brother: (He’s in fifth grade)

Brother: (is filling water bottles)

Grandma: He’s so cute! Such a responsible child! 

Grandpa: Yes, it’s good to see someone taking responsibilities like this.

Me: (Packing the suitcases again and again when my father keeps messing them up in the corner) Yay!

~~~

Everyone and me:

Me: (Locks room door for two minutes and then unlocks it again so that I can go to bathe)

Father: See, now she’s going to take hours to take bath. And why did she lock the door? I should never have given them separate rooms. 

Grandma: I hope that when she gets married she doesn’t have a mother-in-law. Or else she’s in big trouble. She takes so much time to take bath!
Everyone and my brother:

Bro: (Locks door for the entire duration of his bath)

Father: I seriously shouldn’t have given them separate rooms. 

Grandma: Let him do what he wants. 

~~~

And for the last incident, this might be a little weird for you, but it’s pretty common in my house, only in my native with my grandparents though.

Grandmother and me: 

Bro: (Hits me)

Me: You idiot! Stop it! 

Me: (Hits him back when it’s enough)

Grandma: Why are you hitting him? The poor child!
Grandmother and my bro:

Bro: (Hits me)

Me: Stop it!

Grandma: Hit me, child, if you want hit the chair.

~~~

Now do you see why I’m so upset? It’s not only that she practices it, she actually believes that   girls are less than boys! This has actually been happening from the very start. Even before I was born actually. When my grandma got to know at I was a girl, she wanted my mother to abort the fetus. So you can see why I’m not so eager to go to my grandparents’ house. This really had been bothering me a lot, so I wanted to talk about it. It’s a really small thing in my house, but there are places around the world where women are oppressed just because they are female. Everyone needs to fight for gender equality, because it is only when everyone is equal and unafraid of things such as this, that people can truly work towards progress. 

Thanks for listening to my rant. I’ve never told anyone about this yet. 

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Layers of Memories

Hi again! InvisibleGirl here. I just wanted to talk about some interesting I did today. I went on a walk with my father and my brother to explore my native city. I only come here during summer vacations, and I’ve spent two years of my childhood here (which I don’t remember), and surprisingly, it’s the first time I think I’ve actually actively left my iPad screen or my sketchbook and gone out to see the sights (even if the sights are the neighbouring streets). 

I visited so many places that were once near and dear to my heart. My father was telling me about this empty field, and how the land beyond it was empty when he was still living here. That made me think. His memory of the place is like a layer, while the sight I was seeing now was also a layer, my layer. Imagine every person who must have seen that place. So many layers, right? Now imagine all the layers being there together. I’d definitely go insane. 

But it’s such a beautiful thing. Everyone has a different memory about the same place, and no one sees the same place the same way. When I saw that field, I saw a place where boys my age played cricket. But when my father saw that field, he must have seen it as how it was then, when he was still a boy my age. Other people would see it in other ways. That way, even if a place was public, it still was private, atleast in our hearts. Because no one can see a place like you do. 

Also below are some photos I took on the walk. Forgive me for the quality, they were with my iPad. I also had a lot more ideas, but there were people walking, and so I couldn’t actually act on them.

Do you think the same when you see places? Layers of memories? Tell me below in the comments!

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~

Uncrazy things

Hello World!

InvisibleGirl here. 

I’ve decided to start a blog. 

Why, you may ask? Well, my brain has a lot of stuff inside it, and it’ll burst if I don’t get it out somewhere. I’ve tired to keep a diary, but my brother and parents find it all the time, and they’re particularly private things that they don’t know inside it, so…. you can probably see why keeping a diary in my house is dangerous. 

So I decided, out of the blue, one day to, you know, start blogging. My passion is writing, and even though my life is pretty boring, I try to do something fun everyday.

There’s also no point in keeping a diary. You write stuff in it, it gets stored somewhere, to probably get thrown as trash later. It’s better to make a blog where people can learn from stupid stuff I’ve done and how not to repeat them in the future. 

I also don’t want to worry about sounding stupid, or too emotional, too cliche to people around me. I want to be able to say what I want to say, the way I want to say it. That’s why this blog is anonymous. So I can be me, without worrying about all the strings attached. 

My friends would probably shake their heads at my decision, because I’m actually a very bubbly person in real life, and so me, keeping a secret? Nah. And also the fact that I have so many secrets, this one just adds to the pile, so I don’t mind. But I don’t listen to them. Friends are meant to irritate, not to give sagely advice (sometimes). They’re also meant to be with you so you don’t wander around lost and alone. Well, more on that later. 

But they don’t know about me and my bursting head. Not everything about it. It sometimes makes me anxious when I put my ideas out in the open, and since I absolutely have to, I’m just the InvisibleGirl, and not a real name, with a real internet presence. I also feel like being a teenage girl is a miracle on it’s own, and why are we not given awards just for existing? And going to school everyday? That’s how the world should be run. Everyone should be given awards for things that seem trivial, but aren’t. Especially us teenagers.

I also know that no matter how other teenage girls feel, whether they’re popular or a wallflower, we’re all the same. We’re all trying to make the best of a world that does it’s very best to push us down. So maybe one day we can all stop trying to add to that pressure, and maybe get together and do something (maybe sing songs around the campfire (that’d be one huge fire though)). 

But, until we all have a mass realisation, I’m going to try to continue existing like how I am, and try to make a few other lives easier. I’m going to speak out loud (atleast here) and hope that whoever’s listening will join me. It’d be awesome to have a kind of forum where we can all talk about our problems and help our fellow girls. And do a lot of other fun stuff too. 

Oh, before I forget, I also love drawing. And writing poems and stories. Also, I’m in love with taking photos. Photos are my fave part of art, because they’re all in the real world, and all you have to do is click a photo at the exact right time. Then, whenever you see the photo, you’re reminded of that time and experience a little bit of the emotion you felt when you took it. So I’ll be posting a lot of photos, and maybe poems (if you want them), over here. 

Well, I guess that’s it. Thanks so much for taking our some of your time reading this (if anyone is). And if you like what I’m doing, tell me in the comments below! Then maybe we can do this together, and one day, maybe sing around a campfire?

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~