Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Reluctant Reunion

Hi everyone! So yesterday, I had decided that if DolphinGirl didn’t talk to me this morning, then I would understand it as a signal that it is over and I would not bother her after that. She didn’t. She completely ignored me. As a result, I decided that enough was enough and I would not spend the rest of my day grovelling for her forgiveness when she could not understand the simple fact that it was her fault as well. So I put on my best happy face, and boy, did it work. I was laughing and smiling and talking all day, and she was so hurt when she noticed I wasn’t begging for her to come back. I know I’m sounding really rude and mean, but I felt like that.

 Then in the afternoon, I apologised again, when we were in the hospital, waiting to go back to school (the fieldtrip) because I felt that it was too stupid to not give her a second chance. To my surprise, she accepted. We both maintain this sort of journal where we write our innermost thoughts, and through that she told me that she knew it was her fault too, and so she forgave me. I can’t help but think I will never look at her in the same way again. I will probably never look at someone the same way again. She has damaged my feelings irrevocably, and now whatever I do, I can’t bring that old me back. I no longer feel close to anyone, not even her. This is a violation of our parabatai bond, but yeah. She’s still the person I trust the most in the world though. I will always trust her with my life. But I won’t get close to anyone ever again, not like that, where their disappearance can kill me. 

Also, the fieldtrip was fun. We had so much stuff to learn, and we saw a kidney dialysis happening, and other things. It was good. And my mom made the best veggie rolls ever. So today was a changed day, if not a normal one. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts

Pondering over Things

Hi again! I’ve come with yet another thing that’s been bothering me a lot. A lot of things, actually. A few days ago, we had this Life Skills workshop, where we discussed emotions. It wasn’t that comfortable for me, an emotion-hider, but I learnt a lot of things. When the teacher asked us whether we repressed our emotions, a lot of the girls hands went up. One or two boys. Out of maybe 120 people. Why is it like this? Well, maybe due to the fact that girls are told to keep quiet and out of sight from the very beginning, and boys are allowed to become as boisterous and rebellious as they come, because boys will be boys. This really disturbed me. And then there’s the fact that my parents find it funny that I begin to cry over the smallest of things. They keep telling me lies about how they told my teachers about stuff I wouldn’t want them to know about, and since I work very hard to maintain my reputation in school, I was deeply hurt. I started arguing with my dad, and when I get angry, I start crying. It’s natural, inevitable. My temperature rises, and the dam bursts. I can’t do anything about it, until recently, when I’ve started behaving quite coldly towards my parents when they try to get a rise out of me. My mom says she’s just like me in my anger, but whenever I begin to cry, she tells me to stop being a crybaby. My dad calls me vulnerable. It hurts me a lot for some reason. God knows.

And then the second thing, I have this best friend, Dolphin Girl. I love her to bits, and she’s my parabatai (TMI fans, you know this). There’s truly nothing on this earth that I wouldn’t do for this girl. I’d gone for a sleepover to her house yesterday, and came back today, for a competition that’s we’re preparing for. Her brother is the same age as my brother, and he’s quite violent. I can’t say anything in front of him, in fear of being hit. Just today, I was talking about how I’d rather die than do so much of homework, and he punched me on my face, saying that he could help. My cheekbone is tender. Then when we came home from school, to her house, we were lying on the bed, simply talking. He comes from nowhere, and starts hitting me randomly. I’m used to this now, having a younger brother who was a little violent when he was young, but he kept on damaging my glasses, which could get me into major trouble with my parents. I don’t say anything to her, because I think she’d feel bad. But for this reason, I don’t want to go to her house anymore. 

Then there’s one more thing. Today my dad asked me why I wasn’t picking up my phone in Dolphin Girl’s house. My phone battery was dead. And I didn’t even realise it. -1 in my parents’ books. Nobody in the entire house picked up their phone, because the phones were downstairs, and we were all chilling upstairs. -2 in their books. When my dad started loudly honking in front of the house, I had mentally prepped myself for damage control. He kept on firing questions on why no one in the entire house picked up their phone. I told him why. Then he asked me why I couldn’t charge my phone. And so easily, without even thinking, I lied. I lied and told him that there wasn’t a charger that could fit my ridiculously outdated phone. He didn’t say anything, so I think he believed it. I read somewhere once that strict parents raise the best liars. And now, I know for a fact that that is true. I’ve begun to lie so exceptionally well, I don’t even need to think. It just comes naturally. I’m changing, and I don’t know whether that’s bad or good.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things

Catching-up, and other Candy Sweet Things

Why is it so hard to think of a title? It’s so hard for me, even though I’ve written an entire novel and write poems everyday. Well, anyways, I wanted to talk about TMI. Or the Shadow World, if you know what I mean. *wink* The newest book, Lord of Shadows, just came out today, and I got it. After a lot of persuasion. It’s so beautiful! I also have a lot of work because I missed 9 days of school, and the book is definitely not helping. I didn’t even come out of my room yesterday, I was continuously writing, and it was just depressing. I was feeling so empty. Well, my father finally got fed up and told me that he’s going to be writing a note for my teachers so that I don’t have to work myself to the bone. It’s difficult for me to not forget about basic concerns like sleeping and eating when there’s work incomplete. The perils of being a perfectionist. Also, my teacher finally gave me a compliment for my writing today! She’s a new teacher, my english teacher, and it makes me super happy that someone appreciates my writing.

And my neighbour is having a baby (oh my god) and she came to our house today. Our other neighbour played a song and the baby was kicking so much, it’s now the ‘Dancing Baby’. I wasn’t old enough to remember my brother being born, but I remember I hated him because I thought he was hurting my mother. 

And also, there’s this new girl in the class. I’ve told you about her. She’s pretty nice. But I keep trying to act like I’m not me, because I can’t talk about things in front of her, things personal to me. I was reluctant to share before, and now it’s killing me, because I’m not sharing stuff with anyone. Except for one person. My bestest online friend in the world, Hope. The reason I’ve named her Hope is because she’s my cause of hope in the world. Whenever I’m feeling down, she helps me right back up, no complaints. She even recognises whether I’m happy or sad based on what I’m typing, and that is seriously goals. I wish you could just meet her, this ball of sunshine, and I love her with all my heart. She’s the only one I’ve told about this blog. 

I hope you all have atleast one friend like her. Do you have any best friends who are a gift to your world? Tell me below in the comments!