The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things


Hi guys, it’s me. I don’t even know why I say this anymore, who else is gonna write here? It’s still a little funny, though. Well, today, I wanted to talk about some stuff that’s been bothering me. It’s bothering everyone actually. 

I’m telling you guys this, because I’m not sure of it myself, and also, I don’t want anyone else getting to know about it either. I’ve caused a lot of problems at home and in my circle, so I don’t really want to come with yet another one. I think that I have anorexia. Yeah. I’ve been obsessing about weight. Too much. I’ve gotten thinner in the past few months, and everyone keeps complimenting me, which is why I think I didn’t realise before.

Yesterday, one of my mom’s friends was making me try on some of her dresses, and she’s really skinny. They weren’t fitting me properly, and she said, “She looks like she’s thin, but you really aren’t, are you?” I don’t know whether she meant it in a rude way or whatever, but when I went home I just looked at myself in the mirror and cried. Later, that evening, my mother had made my favourite snacks especially for me, and I refused them, because they’re really oily and fatty. She became really sad, and that hurt me so much, I finally ate them, but way less than I’d usually eat. Then I went in my room and cried again. Today, I found myself searching fo quick ways to lose weight, and I was so surprised. That’s when I started thinking that maybe I do have anorexia nervosa. It sounds like a fairy name, doesn’t it? Nervosa. So elegant and graceful. Anything but. I already have mental problems, and now I can check this off the list too, right? I have three friends in my social circle, and one of them is really thin. Naturally. The other two are healthier than an me, and they have no problem with it. I wish that for once, I could be happy with my body. I’ve never actually been happy with it at all, but now, with so much of pressure to look thin and pretty, it’s getting to me. I’m afraid that I’ll lose control, and then I’ll be an even bigger disappointment to people around me. 

Wow. I never do talk lightly with you guys, do I? Well, my exams were going on, and we had a lot to study, so I couldn’t post before. I also have a lot of homework to do, so I might not be available over the next few days. Have a good day everyone! 

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~