The Dolphin Girl Library, The Ocean of Thoughts

Hiya again!

Hi everyone! How’s your day? Mine was awesome! We have this competition called Technothlon this weekend, it’s sort of like a logic puzzle thing. My parabatai Dolphin Girl and I are participating as a team. We just finished practicing for it a little before this. I’m so nervous, it’s hilarious. The winning team gets to go to NASA, and even though I’ve gone there, I really want to again. Make sense? Well, I don’t actually have much hope since we’ll be competing against a lot of other teams. Wish us luck!

Also, as I’ve probably told you before, Dolphin Girl and I maintain a sort of journal, where we write our innermost thoughts, and things that are troubling us. I mainly started this for her, since God knows that girl keeps internalising everything. 

Well today, she gave me the journal with a serious expression, and left the class. I read the entire thing, and it was long. Four pages. And there were tear stains on it. It absolutely broke my heart. Dolphin Girl, as you all know, is not a girl who cries. And the fact that she has suicidal thoughts, among others, made me terribly sad. I thought that I knew what was going on in her head. Her parents keep down playing her emotions, and tell her to focus on her studies. My parents are sort of the same, so I get it. 

And when we had our fight, I actually told her that I don’t think we’ll be the same ever again. She thought that this meant I was going to leave her. She wrote that she won’t be able to bear it if I left her, because I was the only one she’d opened up to like this. 

And also, my father is nagging me about my career choice, again. And this time, it’s everyday. He comes home, and begins his speech. It is so irritating. Instead of helping me, and giving me opportunities to try out what I want to choose, he keeps telling me that it’s not right for me. How will I know it isn’t right for me if I don’t try it? He doesn’t understand that. God. It just makes me so angry. Well, I really hope your parents aren’t like this, haha. 

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts

Career Decisions

Hi again! I know I keep talking about my problems here, but I don’t have anyone else to share these with. My grandfather has wanted someone in his family so be a doctor ever since forever. He wanted one of his grandchildren to fulfil his dream. And me, getting the best grades in my entire family and class, was the obvious choice. Now, at I’m in 10th grade, is the crucial time where I decide what I want to become and what I need to do to become that. I have always leaned towards the arts. I love drawing and designing. I know some may consider it as a waste of my talent. Yes, I may be a whiz in math or physics. But no, I do not want to do somehting in those fields. I had gone to a very prestigious workshop last year for the arts, where only 24 children from India get selected, and there, I had discovered my love for design. Most of you wouldnt have heard about it, buts it’s quite big in the art world. As much as I want to tell you the name, I cannot. My identity will be narrowed down to less than 24 other people then. After that, I wanted to become a graphic designer. 

I’ve done the research. But my father, everyday, doesn’t fail to try and push me in the medical field. I have come back from one such speech. I was eating my snacks, when he began on the glories of doctors. I got so frustrated, I began to cry. I hate crying, especially after my dad told me to stop. He started teasing me for crying after I decided to leave. Probably to make me laugh. But he never understands! I don’t want to be a doctor. I may be good at Biology, and it may come easily to me, but I have no interest in pursuing that field. I have no doubt that if I decided to agree, I would be on a plane after my 11th and 12th grade to the US or some other foreign country for medical studies. 

But, no, since I want to become a graphic designer, I have a limited scope. My entire family would contribute if I wanted to become a doctor. I may have the aptitude for it, but has anyone considered the fact that maybe I don’t want to do it? At all? There’s no convincing a person whose mind is already made up. It just gets me so riled up. Everyone’s parents are supporting their career decisions, some even helping them by researching and presenting options, and here I have to do all the work by myself, while my mom remains indifferent, and my dad wanting me to do something else. I think this is actually pretty common for most children in India, at least. I feel so lost, so isolated. Like I’m adrift at sea. No one can help me, because I have struggle through this journey myself. I can only hope that one day I will become whatever I want to, and be happy.

I just want to tell everyone out there that it’s your life, and you should live it the way you want to. In the future, when you regret your decisions, no one who forced you to take them will be by your side. You do what you want to. And anyone else who tells you anything else can go to hell.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Reluctant Reunion

Hi everyone! So yesterday, I had decided that if DolphinGirl didn’t talk to me this morning, then I would understand it as a signal that it is over and I would not bother her after that. She didn’t. She completely ignored me. As a result, I decided that enough was enough and I would not spend the rest of my day grovelling for her forgiveness when she could not understand the simple fact that it was her fault as well. So I put on my best happy face, and boy, did it work. I was laughing and smiling and talking all day, and she was so hurt when she noticed I wasn’t begging for her to come back. I know I’m sounding really rude and mean, but I felt like that.

 Then in the afternoon, I apologised again, when we were in the hospital, waiting to go back to school (the fieldtrip) because I felt that it was too stupid to not give her a second chance. To my surprise, she accepted. We both maintain this sort of journal where we write our innermost thoughts, and through that she told me that she knew it was her fault too, and so she forgave me. I can’t help but think I will never look at her in the same way again. I will probably never look at someone the same way again. She has damaged my feelings irrevocably, and now whatever I do, I can’t bring that old me back. I no longer feel close to anyone, not even her. This is a violation of our parabatai bond, but yeah. She’s still the person I trust the most in the world though. I will always trust her with my life. But I won’t get close to anyone ever again, not like that, where their disappearance can kill me. 

Also, the fieldtrip was fun. We had so much stuff to learn, and we saw a kidney dialysis happening, and other things. It was good. And my mom made the best veggie rolls ever. So today was a changed day, if not a normal one. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts

Silent Tears

Life had been treating me nicely till now. I’d been getting amazing marks in my tests, and everything was going smoothly. So obviously, I had to do something to ruin it. Today, in math class, my teacher was saying something about going ahead. To which my best friend, DolphinGirl, just said bye. I laughed out loud, and I told everyone what she had said. At that time, I had thought it was just a funny joke. But later the math teacher came and scolded her in front of me. She talked about how she never expected this stuff from her, and she had thought that DolphinGirl respected elders, among other stuff. She really loves this teacher, cause she teaches math. And I destroyed all of that in an instant. She stopped talking to me, and even going near me, and honestly? I don’t blame her. I haven’t talked to her the entire day, because she wanted space, and I really don’t know what to do. It’s horrible. I was in tears almost the entire day, and now I’m keeping my cool because I slept in the bus and as a result I’m not feeling that emotional anymore. I was laughing and smiling in class. When I don’t want to cry or get angry, I bury it deep inside. As a result I don’t feel that emotion anymore, and nor do I even think about the incident. That’s what I did today. I think she took offence.

Well, anyway, we have a fieldtrip tomorrow. We’re going to a hospital to see the process of kidney dialysis. I can’t wait! I’ll try to fit in all my details tomorrow. It’s going to be fun, I think. If DolphinGirl leaves me alone, I think I’ll be able to move on. She is or was my best friend of two years, and we both are as thick as thieves. I’ve never been so close to anyone before, because I have a fear of people leaving me. That fear is coming true, again. I probably won’t trouble anyone anymore. It’s not worth making friends only for them to leave you, whether it’s your fault or theirs. 

A few weeks ago, my dad called me vulnerable for crying so much. I hope he will be proud to know that today was the first day I cried after a month. 
Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~