Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts

Pondering over Things

Hi again! I’ve come with yet another thing that’s been bothering me a lot. A lot of things, actually. A few days ago, we had this Life Skills workshop, where we discussed emotions. It wasn’t that comfortable for me, an emotion-hider, but I learnt a lot of things. When the teacher asked us whether we repressed our emotions, a lot of the girls hands went up. One or two boys. Out of maybe 120 people. Why is it like this? Well, maybe due to the fact that girls are told to keep quiet and out of sight from the very beginning, and boys are allowed to become as boisterous and rebellious as they come, because boys will be boys. This really disturbed me. And then there’s the fact that my parents find it funny that I begin to cry over the smallest of things. They keep telling me lies about how they told my teachers about stuff I wouldn’t want them to know about, and since I work very hard to maintain my reputation in school, I was deeply hurt. I started arguing with my dad, and when I get angry, I start crying. It’s natural, inevitable. My temperature rises, and the dam bursts. I can’t do anything about it, until recently, when I’ve started behaving quite coldly towards my parents when they try to get a rise out of me. My mom says she’s just like me in my anger, but whenever I begin to cry, she tells me to stop being a crybaby. My dad calls me vulnerable. It hurts me a lot for some reason. God knows.

And then the second thing, I have this best friend, Dolphin Girl. I love her to bits, and she’s my parabatai (TMI fans, you know this). There’s truly nothing on this earth that I wouldn’t do for this girl. I’d gone for a sleepover to her house yesterday, and came back today, for a competition that’s we’re preparing for. Her brother is the same age as my brother, and he’s quite violent. I can’t say anything in front of him, in fear of being hit. Just today, I was talking about how I’d rather die than do so much of homework, and he punched me on my face, saying that he could help. My cheekbone is tender. Then when we came home from school, to her house, we were lying on the bed, simply talking. He comes from nowhere, and starts hitting me randomly. I’m used to this now, having a younger brother who was a little violent when he was young, but he kept on damaging my glasses, which could get me into major trouble with my parents. I don’t say anything to her, because I think she’d feel bad. But for this reason, I don’t want to go to her house anymore. 

Then there’s one more thing. Today my dad asked me why I wasn’t picking up my phone in Dolphin Girl’s house. My phone battery was dead. And I didn’t even realise it. -1 in my parents’ books. Nobody in the entire house picked up their phone, because the phones were downstairs, and we were all chilling upstairs. -2 in their books. When my dad started loudly honking in front of the house, I had mentally prepped myself for damage control. He kept on firing questions on why no one in the entire house picked up their phone. I told him why. Then he asked me why I couldn’t charge my phone. And so easily, without even thinking, I lied. I lied and told him that there wasn’t a charger that could fit my ridiculously outdated phone. He didn’t say anything, so I think he believed it. I read somewhere once that strict parents raise the best liars. And now, I know for a fact that that is true. I’ve begun to lie so exceptionally well, I don’t even need to think. It just comes naturally. I’m changing, and I don’t know whether that’s bad or good.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Just an Update, and a Poem

Hi everyone. I really don’t want to say this to anyone, but my feelings are going to crush me if they stay inside. So here it is. I had a huge fight with my parents on Friday. And it was all because we had school on Saturday and my father wasn’t ready to drop me there. It went to really, really bad places, and somehow all my insecurities and frustrations just came out at once, and it hurt really bad. My parents keep nagging me to get better grades, even though I get the best grades in my class. My father keeps demoralising me all the time, because he thinks it’ll help me improve myself. But that’s not true. I’m not that type of person. I wrote this poem the night after the fight, and it’s very emotional to me, because it makes me cry everytime I read it. All my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, everything is in it. So here I put it before you, for your reading pleasure. And with the hope that no child suffers this again.

The Deep Abyss
‘This year, if you get less than 95%…”

I am no longer a human being

I am a mere machine which churns out marks.


‘When you get angry, stop. Be calm.’

All my frustration, comes out

Like lava, but it burns only me.


‘Your art, your dance, your music, it’s affecting your studies.’

I got a 91% last year, dear mother, even though I wasn’t mentally fine

But you never seemed to care, did you?


‘From now on, stop participating in all this sports, art, etc.’

In other words, have no fun

Stay in your house, in your room, like a good girl, and study.


‘Are they teaching anything tomorrow? No? Then stay home.’

You criticise my school for being too focused on marks

When you’re awfully concentrating on them too.


‘Why can’t you go to school by yourself? Everyone else does.’

Their parents taught them that

But you can’t be bothered by that either.


‘Talk to your teacher, if the school bus doesn’t come, then you will not go.’

Even if I may be the star student

In the end, I’m just a student, I have no special privileges.


‘We let you read books, draw everyday, and still you complain and be angry?’

Oh thanks, I never knew

That my drawing and reading books was a boon given by you.


‘I do so much for you, I left my whole life for you, and this is how you repay me?’

Well, I didn’t ask to be born to you

So, I’m not in a debt, am I?


‘Cross your legs, sit properly. Do not let your mind wander off when there are guests.’

Sit like a proper lady, do not let them know

That there is something wrong in this house of cards.


‘Come. Learn a chapter in front of me, and if I don’t fail you in that chapter, then I am not your father.’

Well, that is the way I have been taught to learn

So I’m so sorry that you didn’t wake up from your slumber before.


‘In my school, they taught the how and why, not the what.’

Then you shouldn’t have put me in this school

You should have put me in your precious school instead.


‘Did you get the Academic Excellence Award?’ 

No his, no hellos, just a question

Because my worth is just a mere piece of card, nothing else.


‘When you become a doctor, you can save lives. You don’t understand anything.’

I can join an NGO for that as well

But becoming a doctor will end me.


‘A graphic designer? That industry will be ended by robots.’

Robots do not possess that creativity, that spark of imagination

Which you are slowly killing in me.


‘You will have to study very hard this year if you want to get in a good college, else your life will end.’

For once, dearest mother, you are right

Because I will probably kill myself from regret, which you have planted in me.


‘She got more than you? How? Both of you study in the same class.’

Not concentrating on the fact that I got 85, no, she got a mark more

Both of us may study in the same class, but we do not face the same struggles.


‘I bought you art supplies, now you have to get good grades.’

My passion is nothing without my grades

In a different context, my mental stability is worth nothing.


‘Why cry over such a small thing? It’s just a notebook.’

Yes, it maybe just be a notebook

But being a perfectionist is killing me, even a small mistake means days of torture.


‘Why did you go and blabber that to everyone? We’ll be shamed in society.’

You were the ones who told me society didn’t matter

But here you are, shutting my mouth for some respect which you never deserved anyway.


‘Thank you for telling me. Now, have you told anyone? No? Good. Don’t either.’

I reveal to you my biggest secret

And this is how you react? Shameful.


You may think my life is easy

Because I get good grades

I draw and paint well

I do almost everything well

I’m not ugly either.


But the price of all this? 

It’s unimaginable.

Hiding a secret for an entire year, 

Only for your mother to tell you to not tell anyone

When you finally get the courage to tell her.

Your parents always nagging you about grades and school

As if your life is worth a mere degree.

Expecting good grades

When your mind is in circles, and it doesn’t stop.

Hiding facts like feeling constantly dizzy and in pain

Because of the pressure on your brain, and the ever aching hand

Spent from writing endlessly for school.


You never think about that, do you?

You’re only after the next honour I can get you

The next laurel I can attach to your name.

Never asking

Is she even alive inside after this?

I may get a degree, dearest parents

And a good job too

Maybe a good husband 

If I am lucky enough when you marry me away against my will

As you keep saying time and time again

But will I have my mental sanity?

No, that has never mattered to you.

And neither will it ever will.


I first used to think

You will feel heartbroken 

If I took the final step

But now I think

You will still be heartbroken

But not because you lost a daughter

But because you lost your trophy. 


How many times do you all look at my face

And think,

‘Ah, that girl? She has everything. I wish I could be her.’

Well, you are welcome to my life, if you want this hell

For I won’t be here much longer anyway.

-InvisibleGirl

I just read this entire poem again, and I feel depressed. Great. I was furious with my parents yesterday, because of one more thing. My mother told me that my father was feeling guilty. I said he deserved it. And my mother said that my father would rather hit me instead of arguing with me, so at he doesn’t feel guilty. Like I’m an animal. I’m a 14 year old girl, and I understand things my parents never would. But he isn’t ready to help me understand, or to debate with me, rather hitting me, all so that he doesn’t feel guilty. But I have made my peace, because I have only one more year to live in this place, since my father is considering shifting me to another state for schooling. I welcome his decision, so that I can stay away from the pressure. But no matter what, they are my parents, and I can’t hate them. Ever. 

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~