Really Resourceful Reviews, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Intro to Anime

Hello all! Today, I wanted to talk to you about this new anime I just finished watching, The Death Note. I’m sure most of you have already watched it. I didn’t want to get addicted to anime, so I didn’t watch it earlier. But one of my friends was watching it when I went to his house, and thus began the story of my drug addiction. I finished the entire series in 3 days (cause Indian homework is not your friend, nuh uh). And I loved it!

It’s basically about this boy named Light, who finds this weird notebook which claims to have the power to kill people merely by writing their name on its pages. He’s hesitant at first, but drawn to the power of the book, he decides to write down the name of a criminal who’s image was appearing on the television. To his shock, the man dies. That’s where things get twisted. He begins calling himself the God of the new world, who’d save everyone and rid the world of evil. He’s insane. A true psychopath. But a genius, through and through. His plans are astonishingly thorough, and many times I found myself gaping in shock and wonder when he revealed them. Then come the police, aided by a mysterious figure named L. L, is a genius, just like Light. I won’t reveal the rest of the series to you, because it’s better if you watch it yourself.

Honestly, I loved this anime. Light, however insane, was a genius. I marvel his intelligence. Other times, I found myself repulsed by the fantasy he’d created for himself. I see myself in him. Not because I’m a genius, but because when I believe something is right, nothing can stop me. L is my favourite character, though. He’s adorable, and his habits are quite endearing. I felt really sad at a particular point (again, watch the anime to know what I’m talking about). But the way everything progresses is amazing. You’ll start by loving Light (maybe? That’s what I did), but soon you’ll hate him, or maybe try to justify his actions. It’s perplexing trying to sort out your emotions, and honestly, not get addicted to this. The creators seriously need to be given more credit, because all the genius of L, Light and N stems from them. So hats off to you, and may you make even more anime for us to watch!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Uncrazy things

Queries

Hi again! I’d apologise for the haitus, but I can’t. My exams had been going on, so I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I just wanted to ask, do you people mind if I post book reviews here? It’s just that I read a lot of books (according to my dad, atleast 400 every year, which is true) and there are a few which are notable and commendable. And a few of my poems too. I haven’t been taking many photos lately, because my dad doesn’t allow me to use his camera anymore. So now I’m back to good ol’ writing and art again. Just comment below or like this post if you want me to post book reviews, or reviews of anything that interests me, and which I feel will be relevant to other people. Thanks so much for showing your support! It truly means a lot to me.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Dolphin Girl Library, The Ocean of Thoughts

Hiya again!

Hi everyone! How’s your day? Mine was awesome! We have this competition called Technothlon this weekend, it’s sort of like a logic puzzle thing. My parabatai Dolphin Girl and I are participating as a team. We just finished practicing for it a little before this. I’m so nervous, it’s hilarious. The winning team gets to go to NASA, and even though I’ve gone there, I really want to again. Make sense? Well, I don’t actually have much hope since we’ll be competing against a lot of other teams. Wish us luck!

Also, as I’ve probably told you before, Dolphin Girl and I maintain a sort of journal, where we write our innermost thoughts, and things that are troubling us. I mainly started this for her, since God knows that girl keeps internalising everything. 

Well today, she gave me the journal with a serious expression, and left the class. I read the entire thing, and it was long. Four pages. And there were tear stains on it. It absolutely broke my heart. Dolphin Girl, as you all know, is not a girl who cries. And the fact that she has suicidal thoughts, among others, made me terribly sad. I thought that I knew what was going on in her head. Her parents keep down playing her emotions, and tell her to focus on her studies. My parents are sort of the same, so I get it. 

And when we had our fight, I actually told her that I don’t think we’ll be the same ever again. She thought that this meant I was going to leave her. She wrote that she won’t be able to bear it if I left her, because I was the only one she’d opened up to like this. 

And also, my father is nagging me about my career choice, again. And this time, it’s everyday. He comes home, and begins his speech. It is so irritating. Instead of helping me, and giving me opportunities to try out what I want to choose, he keeps telling me that it’s not right for me. How will I know it isn’t right for me if I don’t try it? He doesn’t understand that. God. It just makes me so angry. Well, I really hope your parents aren’t like this, haha. 

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts

Career Decisions

Hi again! I know I keep talking about my problems here, but I don’t have anyone else to share these with. My grandfather has wanted someone in his family so be a doctor ever since forever. He wanted one of his grandchildren to fulfil his dream. And me, getting the best grades in my entire family and class, was the obvious choice. Now, at I’m in 10th grade, is the crucial time where I decide what I want to become and what I need to do to become that. I have always leaned towards the arts. I love drawing and designing. I know some may consider it as a waste of my talent. Yes, I may be a whiz in math or physics. But no, I do not want to do somehting in those fields. I had gone to a very prestigious workshop last year for the arts, where only 24 children from India get selected, and there, I had discovered my love for design. Most of you wouldnt have heard about it, buts it’s quite big in the art world. As much as I want to tell you the name, I cannot. My identity will be narrowed down to less than 24 other people then. After that, I wanted to become a graphic designer. 

I’ve done the research. But my father, everyday, doesn’t fail to try and push me in the medical field. I have come back from one such speech. I was eating my snacks, when he began on the glories of doctors. I got so frustrated, I began to cry. I hate crying, especially after my dad told me to stop. He started teasing me for crying after I decided to leave. Probably to make me laugh. But he never understands! I don’t want to be a doctor. I may be good at Biology, and it may come easily to me, but I have no interest in pursuing that field. I have no doubt that if I decided to agree, I would be on a plane after my 11th and 12th grade to the US or some other foreign country for medical studies. 

But, no, since I want to become a graphic designer, I have a limited scope. My entire family would contribute if I wanted to become a doctor. I may have the aptitude for it, but has anyone considered the fact that maybe I don’t want to do it? At all? There’s no convincing a person whose mind is already made up. It just gets me so riled up. Everyone’s parents are supporting their career decisions, some even helping them by researching and presenting options, and here I have to do all the work by myself, while my mom remains indifferent, and my dad wanting me to do something else. I think this is actually pretty common for most children in India, at least. I feel so lost, so isolated. Like I’m adrift at sea. No one can help me, because I have struggle through this journey myself. I can only hope that one day I will become whatever I want to, and be happy.

I just want to tell everyone out there that it’s your life, and you should live it the way you want to. In the future, when you regret your decisions, no one who forced you to take them will be by your side. You do what you want to. And anyone else who tells you anything else can go to hell.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Reluctant Reunion

Hi everyone! So yesterday, I had decided that if DolphinGirl didn’t talk to me this morning, then I would understand it as a signal that it is over and I would not bother her after that. She didn’t. She completely ignored me. As a result, I decided that enough was enough and I would not spend the rest of my day grovelling for her forgiveness when she could not understand the simple fact that it was her fault as well. So I put on my best happy face, and boy, did it work. I was laughing and smiling and talking all day, and she was so hurt when she noticed I wasn’t begging for her to come back. I know I’m sounding really rude and mean, but I felt like that.

 Then in the afternoon, I apologised again, when we were in the hospital, waiting to go back to school (the fieldtrip) because I felt that it was too stupid to not give her a second chance. To my surprise, she accepted. We both maintain this sort of journal where we write our innermost thoughts, and through that she told me that she knew it was her fault too, and so she forgave me. I can’t help but think I will never look at her in the same way again. I will probably never look at someone the same way again. She has damaged my feelings irrevocably, and now whatever I do, I can’t bring that old me back. I no longer feel close to anyone, not even her. This is a violation of our parabatai bond, but yeah. She’s still the person I trust the most in the world though. I will always trust her with my life. But I won’t get close to anyone ever again, not like that, where their disappearance can kill me. 

Also, the fieldtrip was fun. We had so much stuff to learn, and we saw a kidney dialysis happening, and other things. It was good. And my mom made the best veggie rolls ever. So today was a changed day, if not a normal one. Has anyone gone through a similar experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts

Silent Tears

Life had been treating me nicely till now. I’d been getting amazing marks in my tests, and everything was going smoothly. So obviously, I had to do something to ruin it. Today, in math class, my teacher was saying something about going ahead. To which my best friend, DolphinGirl, just said bye. I laughed out loud, and I told everyone what she had said. At that time, I had thought it was just a funny joke. But later the math teacher came and scolded her in front of me. She talked about how she never expected this stuff from her, and she had thought that DolphinGirl respected elders, among other stuff. She really loves this teacher, cause she teaches math. And I destroyed all of that in an instant. She stopped talking to me, and even going near me, and honestly? I don’t blame her. I haven’t talked to her the entire day, because she wanted space, and I really don’t know what to do. It’s horrible. I was in tears almost the entire day, and now I’m keeping my cool because I slept in the bus and as a result I’m not feeling that emotional anymore. I was laughing and smiling in class. When I don’t want to cry or get angry, I bury it deep inside. As a result I don’t feel that emotion anymore, and nor do I even think about the incident. That’s what I did today. I think she took offence.

Well, anyway, we have a fieldtrip tomorrow. We’re going to a hospital to see the process of kidney dialysis. I can’t wait! I’ll try to fit in all my details tomorrow. It’s going to be fun, I think. If DolphinGirl leaves me alone, I think I’ll be able to move on. She is or was my best friend of two years, and we both are as thick as thieves. I’ve never been so close to anyone before, because I have a fear of people leaving me. That fear is coming true, again. I probably won’t trouble anyone anymore. It’s not worth making friends only for them to leave you, whether it’s your fault or theirs. 

A few weeks ago, my dad called me vulnerable for crying so much. I hope he will be proud to know that today was the first day I cried after a month. 
Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things, The Ocean of Thoughts

Pondering over Things

Hi again! I’ve come with yet another thing that’s been bothering me a lot. A lot of things, actually. A few days ago, we had this Life Skills workshop, where we discussed emotions. It wasn’t that comfortable for me, an emotion-hider, but I learnt a lot of things. When the teacher asked us whether we repressed our emotions, a lot of the girls hands went up. One or two boys. Out of maybe 120 people. Why is it like this? Well, maybe due to the fact that girls are told to keep quiet and out of sight from the very beginning, and boys are allowed to become as boisterous and rebellious as they come, because boys will be boys. This really disturbed me. And then there’s the fact that my parents find it funny that I begin to cry over the smallest of things. They keep telling me lies about how they told my teachers about stuff I wouldn’t want them to know about, and since I work very hard to maintain my reputation in school, I was deeply hurt. I started arguing with my dad, and when I get angry, I start crying. It’s natural, inevitable. My temperature rises, and the dam bursts. I can’t do anything about it, until recently, when I’ve started behaving quite coldly towards my parents when they try to get a rise out of me. My mom says she’s just like me in my anger, but whenever I begin to cry, she tells me to stop being a crybaby. My dad calls me vulnerable. It hurts me a lot for some reason. God knows.

And then the second thing, I have this best friend, Dolphin Girl. I love her to bits, and she’s my parabatai (TMI fans, you know this). There’s truly nothing on this earth that I wouldn’t do for this girl. I’d gone for a sleepover to her house yesterday, and came back today, for a competition that’s we’re preparing for. Her brother is the same age as my brother, and he’s quite violent. I can’t say anything in front of him, in fear of being hit. Just today, I was talking about how I’d rather die than do so much of homework, and he punched me on my face, saying that he could help. My cheekbone is tender. Then when we came home from school, to her house, we were lying on the bed, simply talking. He comes from nowhere, and starts hitting me randomly. I’m used to this now, having a younger brother who was a little violent when he was young, but he kept on damaging my glasses, which could get me into major trouble with my parents. I don’t say anything to her, because I think she’d feel bad. But for this reason, I don’t want to go to her house anymore. 

Then there’s one more thing. Today my dad asked me why I wasn’t picking up my phone in Dolphin Girl’s house. My phone battery was dead. And I didn’t even realise it. -1 in my parents’ books. Nobody in the entire house picked up their phone, because the phones were downstairs, and we were all chilling upstairs. -2 in their books. When my dad started loudly honking in front of the house, I had mentally prepped myself for damage control. He kept on firing questions on why no one in the entire house picked up their phone. I told him why. Then he asked me why I couldn’t charge my phone. And so easily, without even thinking, I lied. I lied and told him that there wasn’t a charger that could fit my ridiculously outdated phone. He didn’t say anything, so I think he believed it. I read somewhere once that strict parents raise the best liars. And now, I know for a fact that that is true. I’ve begun to lie so exceptionally well, I don’t even need to think. It just comes naturally. I’m changing, and I don’t know whether that’s bad or good.

Invisible Girl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts, Uncrazy things

Just an Update, and a Poem

Hi everyone. I really don’t want to say this to anyone, but my feelings are going to crush me if they stay inside. So here it is. I had a huge fight with my parents on Friday. And it was all because we had school on Saturday and my father wasn’t ready to drop me there. It went to really, really bad places, and somehow all my insecurities and frustrations just came out at once, and it hurt really bad. My parents keep nagging me to get better grades, even though I get the best grades in my class. My father keeps demoralising me all the time, because he thinks it’ll help me improve myself. But that’s not true. I’m not that type of person. I wrote this poem the night after the fight, and it’s very emotional to me, because it makes me cry everytime I read it. All my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, everything is in it. So here I put it before you, for your reading pleasure. And with the hope that no child suffers this again.

The Deep Abyss
‘This year, if you get less than 95%…”

I am no longer a human being

I am a mere machine which churns out marks.


‘When you get angry, stop. Be calm.’

All my frustration, comes out

Like lava, but it burns only me.


‘Your art, your dance, your music, it’s affecting your studies.’

I got a 91% last year, dear mother, even though I wasn’t mentally fine

But you never seemed to care, did you?


‘From now on, stop participating in all this sports, art, etc.’

In other words, have no fun

Stay in your house, in your room, like a good girl, and study.


‘Are they teaching anything tomorrow? No? Then stay home.’

You criticise my school for being too focused on marks

When you’re awfully concentrating on them too.


‘Why can’t you go to school by yourself? Everyone else does.’

Their parents taught them that

But you can’t be bothered by that either.


‘Talk to your teacher, if the school bus doesn’t come, then you will not go.’

Even if I may be the star student

In the end, I’m just a student, I have no special privileges.


‘We let you read books, draw everyday, and still you complain and be angry?’

Oh thanks, I never knew

That my drawing and reading books was a boon given by you.


‘I do so much for you, I left my whole life for you, and this is how you repay me?’

Well, I didn’t ask to be born to you

So, I’m not in a debt, am I?


‘Cross your legs, sit properly. Do not let your mind wander off when there are guests.’

Sit like a proper lady, do not let them know

That there is something wrong in this house of cards.


‘Come. Learn a chapter in front of me, and if I don’t fail you in that chapter, then I am not your father.’

Well, that is the way I have been taught to learn

So I’m so sorry that you didn’t wake up from your slumber before.


‘In my school, they taught the how and why, not the what.’

Then you shouldn’t have put me in this school

You should have put me in your precious school instead.


‘Did you get the Academic Excellence Award?’ 

No his, no hellos, just a question

Because my worth is just a mere piece of card, nothing else.


‘When you become a doctor, you can save lives. You don’t understand anything.’

I can join an NGO for that as well

But becoming a doctor will end me.


‘A graphic designer? That industry will be ended by robots.’

Robots do not possess that creativity, that spark of imagination

Which you are slowly killing in me.


‘You will have to study very hard this year if you want to get in a good college, else your life will end.’

For once, dearest mother, you are right

Because I will probably kill myself from regret, which you have planted in me.


‘She got more than you? How? Both of you study in the same class.’

Not concentrating on the fact that I got 85, no, she got a mark more

Both of us may study in the same class, but we do not face the same struggles.


‘I bought you art supplies, now you have to get good grades.’

My passion is nothing without my grades

In a different context, my mental stability is worth nothing.


‘Why cry over such a small thing? It’s just a notebook.’

Yes, it maybe just be a notebook

But being a perfectionist is killing me, even a small mistake means days of torture.


‘Why did you go and blabber that to everyone? We’ll be shamed in society.’

You were the ones who told me society didn’t matter

But here you are, shutting my mouth for some respect which you never deserved anyway.


‘Thank you for telling me. Now, have you told anyone? No? Good. Don’t either.’

I reveal to you my biggest secret

And this is how you react? Shameful.


You may think my life is easy

Because I get good grades

I draw and paint well

I do almost everything well

I’m not ugly either.


But the price of all this? 

It’s unimaginable.

Hiding a secret for an entire year, 

Only for your mother to tell you to not tell anyone

When you finally get the courage to tell her.

Your parents always nagging you about grades and school

As if your life is worth a mere degree.

Expecting good grades

When your mind is in circles, and it doesn’t stop.

Hiding facts like feeling constantly dizzy and in pain

Because of the pressure on your brain, and the ever aching hand

Spent from writing endlessly for school.


You never think about that, do you?

You’re only after the next honour I can get you

The next laurel I can attach to your name.

Never asking

Is she even alive inside after this?

I may get a degree, dearest parents

And a good job too

Maybe a good husband 

If I am lucky enough when you marry me away against my will

As you keep saying time and time again

But will I have my mental sanity?

No, that has never mattered to you.

And neither will it ever will.


I first used to think

You will feel heartbroken 

If I took the final step

But now I think

You will still be heartbroken

But not because you lost a daughter

But because you lost your trophy. 


How many times do you all look at my face

And think,

‘Ah, that girl? She has everything. I wish I could be her.’

Well, you are welcome to my life, if you want this hell

For I won’t be here much longer anyway.

-InvisibleGirl

I just read this entire poem again, and I feel depressed. Great. I was furious with my parents yesterday, because of one more thing. My mother told me that my father was feeling guilty. I said he deserved it. And my mother said that my father would rather hit me instead of arguing with me, so at he doesn’t feel guilty. Like I’m an animal. I’m a 14 year old girl, and I understand things my parents never would. But he isn’t ready to help me understand, or to debate with me, rather hitting me, all so that he doesn’t feel guilty. But I have made my peace, because I have only one more year to live in this place, since my father is considering shifting me to another state for schooling. I welcome his decision, so that I can stay away from the pressure. But no matter what, they are my parents, and I can’t hate them. Ever. 

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~

The Ocean of Thoughts

Questions to the World

Hi everyone! I’m back, again. Right now I’m listening to a playlist sent to me by my friend. Let’s keep her name as Summer. She reminds me of summers, so I think that name suits her. So let’s get to business. Yeah, so my classroom got changed a few days back. And the new one is so small, and there’s a stink coming from outside, and the blackboard sucks. But it’s ok, cause my friends are there with me.

Also, we had a debate a few days ago, about whether we should spend money on space exploration or improving the condition of people on earth. I voted for space exploration. But when I was asked to state my reasons for choosing so, I got up, and my heart started beating so fast, and my hands were shaking like leaves. I felt like I would faint. I either had an unwarned panic attack, or I still have social anxiety. It makes me sad, I tried so hard all these years to lose it, to stand up in a crowd with confidence and show everyone what I am. I won Best Delegate in a MUN last year, so I thought that maybe my public speaking skills are improving, and maybe, just maybe, I might not get so anxious anymore. But it all went spiralling down. 

And then there’s this girl in my class. I won’t give her a name, because she’s not that close to me. She’s sort of pretty, but as my best friend Summer once said, people are only truly beautiful when they can be dark-skinned and still be beautiful. Not racist or anything, but most people in India regard fair-skinned people as beautiful, no matter whether they actually are. Whenever she tries to tell someone to do something, especially the boys, they laugh in her face, and go. I’ve heard many of the boys talking about her behind her back, merely as a pretty face, nothing else. It’s like she has no presence, no meaning, except that she’s pretty. Is that how boys think girls are? In that case, I’m actually grateful I’m popular for my awards, creativity and grades rather than my face. 

Also, sometimes I think people become friends with me just because I’m popular. Like they ask me to do stuff for them, give them my notes, my tips, so that they can become better. And people in my class regard me as a benchmark of success. For example, if someone beats me, they make a big deal out of it, and scream that they’ve beaten me in one thing. I mean, I know that I always get Academic Excellence in my school (sort of like valedictorian), but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being a person and suddenly become a benchmark. It’s irritating. I am not my grades, not my art, not even my pretty face. I am something much more substantial that that, a girl who can end you if you get on her nerves, whose sassiness is always on the max level, and whose brain works overtime. That’s why I like talking to you guys, even if no one reads my posts. You don’t know me for all those things, you know me as who I am. As the InvisibleGirl.

InvisibleGirl, becoming visible again~

Crazy Things

Catching-up, and other Candy Sweet Things

Why is it so hard to think of a title? It’s so hard for me, even though I’ve written an entire novel and write poems everyday. Well, anyways, I wanted to talk about TMI. Or the Shadow World, if you know what I mean. *wink* The newest book, Lord of Shadows, just came out today, and I got it. After a lot of persuasion. It’s so beautiful! I also have a lot of work because I missed 9 days of school, and the book is definitely not helping. I didn’t even come out of my room yesterday, I was continuously writing, and it was just depressing. I was feeling so empty. Well, my father finally got fed up and told me that he’s going to be writing a note for my teachers so that I don’t have to work myself to the bone. It’s difficult for me to not forget about basic concerns like sleeping and eating when there’s work incomplete. The perils of being a perfectionist. Also, my teacher finally gave me a compliment for my writing today! She’s a new teacher, my english teacher, and it makes me super happy that someone appreciates my writing.

And my neighbour is having a baby (oh my god) and she came to our house today. Our other neighbour played a song and the baby was kicking so much, it’s now the ‘Dancing Baby’. I wasn’t old enough to remember my brother being born, but I remember I hated him because I thought he was hurting my mother. 

And also, there’s this new girl in the class. I’ve told you about her. She’s pretty nice. But I keep trying to act like I’m not me, because I can’t talk about things in front of her, things personal to me. I was reluctant to share before, and now it’s killing me, because I’m not sharing stuff with anyone. Except for one person. My bestest online friend in the world, Hope. The reason I’ve named her Hope is because she’s my cause of hope in the world. Whenever I’m feeling down, she helps me right back up, no complaints. She even recognises whether I’m happy or sad based on what I’m typing, and that is seriously goals. I wish you could just meet her, this ball of sunshine, and I love her with all my heart. She’s the only one I’ve told about this blog. 

I hope you all have atleast one friend like her. Do you have any best friends who are a gift to your world? Tell me below in the comments!